New York City Sucks

Everyone knows New York City sucks. But, here are 44 little-known reasons why:

  1. Vermin on Parade: Beyond the giant cockroaches, NYC’s rat population is a force to be reckoned with. They’ve mastered the art of surprise appearances in the most unexpected places. Wait till one runs up your leg at a fancy restaurant. Try making a fast escape from a big one while you’re sitting on the crapper.
  2. Locked Out: Losing your keys will be an epic ordeal. Most buildings come with the highest-security, most expensive locks. Having your landlord’s expensive lock drilled out will cost you the equivalent of a rent payment back in Toledo. Don’t you wish you still lived there?
  3. Elevator Drama: High-rise living will mean constant elevator breakdowns. This can lead to unwanted exercise when you have to haul two bags of groceries up the stairs to the 30th floor.
  4. Surge Pricing: Ride-sharing services are a curse. Surge pricing during peak hours or bad weather will turn a short ride into a wallet-draining fiasco.
  5. Grocery Gridlock: Supermarkets in NYC are always overcrowded. You will always be stuck behind someone contemplating the nutritional merits of each cereal box. And, a lot of people stink in grocery stores.
  6. Windowless Wonders: Many apartments have “interior” bedrooms with no windows, making it feel like you’re living in a (noisy) cave.
  7. Trash Talk: NYC’s sanitation schedule is a well-kept secret intended to boost city revenue. Accidentally leaving your trash out on the wrong day will result in a hefty fine. Unfortunately, you never know the day.
  8. Laundromat Limbo: Laundromats in NYC are always crowded. Try not to get your teeth knocked out when you disagree about who saw that washer first. If someone goes bar-hopping and leaves their clothes in a washer for six hours, you’d better not move them if you value your life.
  9. Tiny Takeout: Ordering takeout is a beloved NYC pastime, but eating it in your shitty apartment will make you feel like you live in Stalin’s Russia. That’s little-known reason #8 as to why New York City sucks.
  10. Noise Overload: The constant noise of sirens, car horns, and construction can lead to a never-ending wish for a moment of silence — a wish that will never come true.
  11. I Can’t Breathe: It’s summer, so get out and enjoy it. Unfortunately, the air quality is at its worst in the summer months, making outdoor activities in the Big Apple suck even more than they usually do.
  12. Commuter Mayhem: Delays, crowded subways, thousands of buskers, everyday bums and freeloaders, TikTok influencers, and unannounced service changes can turn your daily commute into a frustrating game of Russian Roulette.
  13. Persistent Pigeons: Pigeons are ubiquitous, and their aim is true. Just get used to being shit on — literally and figuratively.
  14. Hidden Fees: All apartment rentals come with hidden fees. Application fees, broker fees, security fees, heating fees, doorman fees, usage fees, window fees, stove fees, renovation fees, hot-water fees, maintenance fees, and many more. After six months, you will long for Iowa. And nobody had blue hair in Iowa.
  15. It’s a Melting Pot: NYC is a melting pot of unwashed cultures, and sometimes what’s cooking really stinks.
  16. Tourist Traffic: Navigating through throngs of tourists can turn a simple walk into an obstacle course, especially around the popular attractions you might like to visit, too. All tourists walk like 90-YO grandmas. A 10-minute walk can take 30 minutes. Running is impossible.
  17. Gestapo Inspections: Landlords often schedule surprise inspections, looking for extra roommates, unauthorized plants, open windows, water damage, hot-plates, forbidden pets, and anything else they can squeeze you for.
  18. Appliance Anxiety: Apartment appliances were all manufactured pre-1930. Always expect one appliance to be out of service at any given time. If you ever want anything fixed, be prepared to lay out some heavy moola each Christmas.
  19. Mystery Meat: While street food may appear delicious, the origin of the “meat” in those carts is a mystery best left unsolved. That’s reason #18 as to why New York City sucks.
  20. Tiny Elevators: You get to smell your neighbor’s breath in these tiny boxes. Note that New York City is second only to Italy in garlic consumption.
  21. Bike Battles: New York’s bike lanes are now supercharged with electrics, making them the 2020’s version of Rollerball.
  22. Package Predicaments: Trying to receive a package in NYC is a real roll of the dice. Expect constant theft, nondelivery, notices that your package is being held for you in the Bronx, or packages being held hostage by doormen shaking you down for (more) bribes.
  23. Pressure Woes: Water pressure in older buildings is notoriously unreliable, turning your daily shower into a guessing game. Maybe you will be the one stinking up work and the elevator today.
  24. Laundry Logistics: An apartment building you can afford will never have laundry facilities. That means frequent trips to laundromats, lugging heavy laundry bags up and down narrow, dark staircases. Speed is essential for safety in NYC — you will quickly find that you are a crime target all the way there, and all the way back.
  25. Subway Surprise: Daily subway service changes and derailments will destroy your plans, forcing you to navigate a maze of over-packed shuttle buses with mile-long lines. Unfortunately, you will find that bus riders stink even worse than subway riders.
  26. Bodega Budget Buster: Convenience store prices can be shockingly high, making everyday essentials a budgetary challenge. That $6 half-gallon of milk at Yahzmed’s goes for $1.49 in Tennessee. But forget about moving to Tennessee. Californians already snatched up all the good apartments, real estate, and jobs.
  27. Soundproofing Snags: Thin walls can turn your neighbors’ music, conversations, and romantic escapades into the nerve-wracking soundtrack of your life.
  28. Trash-Infested: Trash bags on the sidewalks can create an unpleasant, aromatic obstacle course on your way to work. The trash bags never go away, not even on ‘trash’ day.
  29. Restroom Regret: Public restrooms are near non-existent, and finding a clean one can feel like winning the lottery. That’s reason #28 as to why New York City sucks.30. Midnight Construction: Unexpected nighttime construction projects can disrupt your sleep, and yelling out the window will just tire you out even more.
  30. Street Cleaning: Found a good parking spot? Better find another one tonight, unless you want your car towed. Missing the street cleaning schedule will result in hefty parking tickets and $1000 trips to the impound.
  31. Rent Increases: Annual rent increases will leave you feeling like your landlord’s personal ATM machine.
  32. Subway Buskers: While very few subway musicians are talented, you’ll be ready to give most of them five bucks to go away. Since there are hundreds of them on your way to work, this will get expensive.
  33. Internet Outages: Frequent internet outages in densely populated areas can be maddening for remote workers. Even though New York City is supposedly ‘advanced’, the internet goes out — a LOT.
  34. Hidden Fees: From co-op application fees to building maintenance charges, to mystery charges at restaurants, and 30% ‘tips’, sneaky hidden costs will drive you crazy.
  35. Midnight Surprise: While street food may get you through the day, the ingredients and hygiene of some vendors may find you spending your nights on the toilet (or in the emergency room).
  36. Sucking Blood: This is little-known ‘feature’ of the Melting Pot. Bedbugs breed like rabbits in NYC. Everyone who just got here has millions of them. You probably do too, by now.
  37. Overcrowded Commute: Rush hour subway rides are packed like sardines, which is why you live for the weekend, to get the hell out of here.
  38. Sewer Stench: Streets (and your apartment) are plagued by sewage odors, turning casual strolls into olfactory nightmares.
  39. Rent Restrictions: Most buildings impose strict rental restrictions, limiting your ability to sublet or Airbnb your apartment in case you want to live in a box for a while to save money to eat.
  40. Taxi Troubles: You will look like a hopeless tourist rube trying to hail a taxi during rush hour or in inclement weather. Just start walking.
  41. Umbrella Missiles: Get sued when your umbrella puts out someone’s eye — only in New York. City streets can become wind tunnels, transforming your trusty umbrella into a jet-powered stiletto. Navigating the sidewalks during a driving rainstorm involves dodging flying umbrellas and concrete debris. You’ll need a stronger one.
  42. Scaffolding: All that scaffolding that’s been sitting in the same place since the 1960’s will provide great cover to help get you robbed that stormy night the subway goes kaput.
  43. Tuberculosis: Didn’t we get rid of this in the 1950’s? Think again.
  44. Everything: – Everything in this New York City hellhole is run by organized crime. That’s why New York City sucks worse than anywhere else in America.