Mankind made many groundbreaking achievements during the Apollo Missions. It marked the first time humans had landed on another celestial body. It opened up possibilities for space exploration that had previously been unimaginable. While the landing itself was a major accomplishment, there are some lesser-known events that occurred during the mission that are worth exploring. Like the time Buzz Aldrin went peeing on the moon.
Many people assume Neil Armstrong was the first man to pee on the moon. He has always gotten the vast majority of the glory from this mission. But the first moon urinator was actually Buzz Aldrin. To understand why Buzz Aldrin’s urination was such an unusual event, one must first understand the challenges that astronauts face when it comes to bodily functions in space.
One of the key issues is the lack of gravity. Without Earth’s gravity, waste products do not fall into a toilet bowl as they would on Earth. Instead, they float around in the spacecraft, which can lead to hygiene issues and unpleasant smells. Solid waste can become trapped in the upholstery, and gum up critical electrical switches.
New Methods
NASA scientists had to pull out all their brainpower to come up with a range of solutions to address these problems. Their inventions included condom-like devices attached to rubber tubes, man-sized diapers, and large plastic bags that the first explorers could tape to their asses. That’s how the heroic astronauts of Mercury, Gemini, and Apollo relieved themselves in the good old days.
Want to put a Moon In Your Room? You can!
Unfortunately, some astronauts were prematurely booted from the program when it was found that their undercover brother was incapable of consistently holding the Urine Collection Device (UCD). The UCD was strapped onto their beef bayonet. The less manly found that their UCD could slip off easily. When they started peeing in space, they soon found their suits full of urine. Buzz Aldrin certainly did not have any problems with his UCD coming loose. That’s why he is known as one of the greatest astronauts ever.
Going for it: Peeing on the Moon
So, how did Buzz Aldrin prepare to relieve himself while he was on the lunar surface? He was certainly ready to go. He held it for a couple of hours during the descent from the Command Module to the ground. He then drank a lot of Tang before leaving the Lunar Module. This was to ensure that he would have enough urine to collect for scientific purposes once he was outside. He had to keep holding it in the Lunar Module as Neil Armstrong stepped out onto the surface, grabbed most of the glory, and wouldn’t shut up.
When he finally got outside, Aldrin removed the fittings from his UCD, and connected it to his suit. Then, he had to position himself over the UCD and ensured that he was perfectly lined up. No easy feat in a bulky space suit when you can’t even grab hold of your own zoom stick to aim it right. To add to the problem, his UCD was mounted higher in his space suit than he preferred. Even a little too high for a real man like Buzz Aldrin. He was about to pop. But he still managed to manipulate his joystick into position just in time. He successfully rang the bell. Mission complete: Peeing on the moon was a success.
Doing His Duty
But what was it actually like for Aldrin to pee on the moon? According to his own account, it was a strange and awe-inspiring experience. Buzz experienced a new, unusual, and strange sense of relief as he released his urine while contemplating the vast reaches of the universe. Peeing on the moon made a sound that he likened to the soft hiss of a beer can opening. He felt his deep-sea diver relax as he gratefully emptied his bladder.
His first words on the moon were not about making any great steps for mankind, but were actually “ohhhh…yehhh.” He was peeing on the moon for the first time. His space urine was subsequently collected, stored in a bag, and brought back to Earth for analysis.
The news of Buzz Aldrin’s space urination caused a big stir in the media. Many reporters and members of the public were fascinated by this unusual event. A lot of them wanted to know why Neil Armstrong did not get all of the honors.
In 1997, NASA was cleaning out a closet and discovered the historic bag. The precious urine was auctioned off for $747,000 to an anonymous Japanese businessman.
Unisex Toilets Break Up The Old Gang
Recently, astronauts on the International Space Station have described the challenges of using the new unisex bathrooms in no-gravity conditions. They report that the extremely expensive newfangled system installed in the space station uses a fan to create a partial vacuum. This allows feces to drift away from them and move toward the echoing, freezing cold of outer space. An advantage is that the new toilet has allowed their lightning rods to stay well insulated from the burning hell of the infinite void.
The fancy vacuum-sucking space toilet was first installed when the first female astronauts came out of the kitchen. They felt that being forced to defecate into plastic bags stuck on their rear ends lessened their feminine allure. When they broke the glass ceiling of space, the notion that women only used the bathroom to ‘powder their nose’ died as a pleasant falsehood in the 1970s.
The original male flyboys weren’t concerned about stinking up the capsule, or having a place to fix their hair. They took a tremendous deal of professional pride in outdoing the others as they tried to make the cockpit completely uninhabitable. To these valiant pioneers, their own “mission” of grossing each other out was just as important as getting to the moon. The original astronauts were powerful men, and they wanted to ensure their power permeated every area of the capsule.
Even though these early space jockeys complained about the cost of the insanely-priced feminine bathroom remodel, they were eventually worn down by all the nagging. Among themselves, they cracked open another beer, bitched about the women’s invasions of space travel and the barbershop, and considered the new space toilet to be of the same usefulness as a head in a bass boat. They begrudgingly acknowledged the nice way the new wallpaper set off the chrome-plated dump switches. Nevertheless, they longed for the macho laughter and competitive cheers of the good old days, when they fought intensely to outdo each other during poo-time.
The Greatest of the Space Pioneers
In conclusion, Buzz Aldrin’s moon urination may seem like a trivial event, but it serves as a great reminder of the challenges and triumphs of space exploration that were brought about in large part by the single-handed mightiness of the United States. Aldrin had to be an extremely brave man to expose his steely tent peg to the freezing cold and blaring sun of the lunar surface. There are no records of the Russians risking their war clubs by peeing on the moon. The same can be said of most Frenchmen, who are known to pee anywhere else they take a notion in the galaxy.
It is a reminder that even the most mundane bodily functions can become extraordinary events when unlocked into the context of space travel. And it is a testament to the bravery and determination of astronauts like Aldrin, who risk everything to push the boundaries of human achievement…and to be the first person to pee on the moon.